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I think I messed up

Two entries in two days, I think I'm getting the hang of this journal thing :p

During my long disappearance last semester, something occurred that I probably just should have asked advice for at the time and saved everyone a whole lot of trouble but obviously I wasn’t sensible enough for that.

I met a guy.

A guy I work with. A doctor. Very intelligent. English but of African descent. Gorgeous. Genuinely interested in me, big plus there. Really, he ticks every box I (and my mother) have been looking for and we really hit it off. We’ve been flirting for months now at work.

Where’s the problem I hear you ask?

He’s a guy.
And I’m a lesbian.

Now when the whole shenanigans started, I really thought that he could be my exception and that I could make it work. Hell, I was prepared to go into full on crisis of sexuality mode and maybe start considering myself bisexual. After we exchanged phone numbers and actually started to talk seriously about going out, I realised I can’t do this. And now I feel like a complete ass.

Things sort of tapered off for a while there but he’s started texting me again today asking if we could get drinks together before he moves to the other side of the state. Just to clarify, the other side of the state in Australia is actually a pretty big deal. You can drive for two hours out of central Sydney and still be in the Sydney suburbs. You need to drive at least six hours before you’re considered in serious rural territory. And even then, you’re not quite halfway across the state. Not the country, just the state. And my state is one of the smaller ones. So the distance is actually a serious factor. He's also considerably older than I am. How much older I couldn't say but I'd hazard at around the ten year mark. The way I see it at the moment is, I have two options.

1) Either come up with some way of phrasing this whole debacle so it doesn’t look like I was deliberately screwing with his head.

2) Agree to the drinks but make it clear that this isn’t going anywhere other than friendship because of the other factors.

To be, the second one sounds like it’s less likely to hurt him and it is technically true. Even if he was a girl, I’d still not be up for that sort of distance relationship this early. It’s just not the whole truth. Which makes me uneasy because it feels perilously close to lying. Just to be clear, I expect our friendship will continue and at some point, I have every intention of making my sexuality clear. I’d just like to have some breathing space in which to do it.

Long story short, help I feel like a jerk and I just really don't want to hurt him.

On the upside, my grandparents bought me a beautiful sewing machine as an early 21st present. I’m now seriously contemplating splurging on $80 worth of rare Harry Potter fabric…


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 21st, 2014 03:28 pm (UTC)
You are not a jerk, sweetie. Do not lie to yourself. Tell him the truth. *hugs*
Jan. 27th, 2014 07:14 am (UTC)
thank you! <3
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 27th, 2014 07:25 am (UTC)
thank you, it seems you always know what to say! I find it really hard to find that balance between being open about my sexuality but not throwing it in people's faces. It's not that I don't want to tell people, it's just that it's not the easiest thing to drop into conversation casually as I'm sure you know :) But then when I've known someone for a while and we've gotten quite close then I feel guilty for not telling them sooner because I don't like keeping secrets either. The whole thing is so complicated, gah!
I don't think he'd have a problem with gay people, I think it's just that he wouldn't be expecting me to be gay.
But seriously, thank you, what I needed to hear was that it is valid to not want a relationship with him even if we have flirted in the past.
Jan. 21st, 2014 05:59 pm (UTC)
This is def a tricky situation, but I agree the distance would be a deal breaker for me. So better be honest with him and just move on.

Try not to focus on the guy thing too much, sexuality can be fluid.
Jan. 27th, 2014 07:17 am (UTC)
Haha, yeah I've always held with the fact that sexuality is fluid and that if the perfect person walked into my life and happened to be a guy it wouldn't phase me. Guess I was wrong (at least in my case). thank you
Jan. 27th, 2014 01:17 pm (UTC)
I'd be phase myself though if the same thing happened, so it's ok too, there's no right or wrong in this, it's just about following your gut feeling.
Jan. 22nd, 2014 01:09 pm (UTC)
Oh dear, this is a tricky situation you've managed to get into.
Well, you didn't give him... let's call it 'hope' for lack of a better word, on purpose really. You just thought that it might work out, I mean, there is no harm in trying out a straight relationship even when you are a lesbian. Sometimes people sort of float between both and find their partner in someone they never thought possible.

But, if you have tried and you definitely know this will not work, then I think it would be safe to explain the whole think to him. He should be able to understand. Besides, there is the whole distance thing and it sounds overly complicated so, you could open up with that whenever you decide to talk to him.

I don't know what you should do really. This is very tricky.
Jan. 27th, 2014 07:26 am (UTC)
I know you said you don't know what I should do but actually, this is probably the best advice. I didn't mean to give him hope and then take it away again but that's just how it worked out and if he's a nice guy like I think he is, he'll understand that. Thank you!
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )