During my long disappearance last semester, something occurred that I probably just should have asked advice for at the time and saved everyone a whole lot of trouble but obviously I wasn’t sensible enough for that.
I met a guy.
A guy I work with. A doctor. Very intelligent. English but of African descent. Gorgeous. Genuinely interested in me, big plus there. Really, he ticks every box I (and my mother) have been looking for and we really hit it off. We’ve been flirting for months now at work.
Where’s the problem I hear you ask?
He’s a guy.
And I’m a lesbian.
Now when the whole shenanigans started, I really thought that he could be my exception and that I could make it work. Hell, I was prepared to go into full on crisis of sexuality mode and maybe start considering myself bisexual. After we exchanged phone numbers and actually started to talk seriously about going out, I realised I can’t do this. And now I feel like a complete ass.
Things sort of tapered off for a while there but he’s started texting me again today asking if we could get drinks together before he moves to the other side of the state. Just to clarify, the other side of the state in Australia is actually a pretty big deal. You can drive for two hours out of central Sydney and still be in the Sydney suburbs. You need to drive at least six hours before you’re considered in serious rural territory. And even then, you’re not quite halfway across the state. Not the country, just the state. And my state is one of the smaller ones. So the distance is actually a serious factor. He's also considerably older than I am. How much older I couldn't say but I'd hazard at around the ten year mark. The way I see it at the moment is, I have two options.
1) Either come up with some way of phrasing this whole debacle so it doesn’t look like I was deliberately screwing with his head.
2) Agree to the drinks but make it clear that this isn’t going anywhere other than friendship because of the other factors.
To be, the second one sounds like it’s less likely to hurt him and it is technically true. Even if he was a girl, I’d still not be up for that sort of distance relationship this early. It’s just not the whole truth. Which makes me uneasy because it feels perilously close to lying. Just to be clear, I expect our friendship will continue and at some point, I have every intention of making my sexuality clear. I’d just like to have some breathing space in which to do it.
Long story short, help I feel like a jerk and I just really don't want to hurt him.
On the upside, my grandparents bought me a beautiful sewing machine as an early 21st present. I’m now seriously contemplating splurging on $80 worth of rare Harry Potter fabric…